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Following the Distant Speck of Light While Surrounded by Darkness June 17, 2009

Posted by Justin Farr in Uncategorized.

“Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and calles us with a holy calling, not according to our works but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us by Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel […] nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.” – 2 Timothy 1:6-12

Trust in God is necessary.

For the last little bit in my life, I have gone through immense changes. I have turned 18 and I have graduated high school. I am facing the reality of life. Everything I was told when I was young no longer applies. Life isn’t a fairy tale. I cannot even, in fact, do whatever it is I put my mind to. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I dream, I just can’t have certain things I want, no matter how good and pure they are. These hard-learned lessons have pushed me to the edge lately, but I have come out with a greater reliance on God and with a stronger faith.

I have known what it is like to want to die. I know what it is like to want to crawl under the nearest rock and sleep forever. To want to bleed. To want to feel the welts rise on your skin. To imagine yourself falling, falling. Splattering against the cold, hard ground that couldn’t care less about you. I know what it’s like to not be able to move. To lay in bed and pray you will die. To feel so depressed that you feel like you can just melt away, slither through the cracks in your dwelling, and seep into the earth. Vanished.

I have known what it is like to have true joy. Where the world is so beautiful you can just fall down and be absorbed into it. Where your arms are too small to hold everyone and love them, but your heart fits around all the people in the world just right.

Life is such an interesting thing. It is full of sorrow. Beauty. Life. Death. Love. Relationships that come and go. Life itself comes and goes. Without God, our existence is nothing. As King Solomon proclaims in the Book of Ecclesiastes: “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!” These are just some of my jumbled musings from the past few months. I’ve realized how empty everything is without God. I’ve learned how life is full of… everything. There’s so much to swallow, digest, crave, be satisfied with. There are so many people with such complex lives, and we are all interconnected. Life is so deep that words cannot describe its abyss which is both light and darkness simultaneously.

I am beginning an entire new chapter of my life. After I graduated, I was depressed for weeks. It took God’s love and grace, and prayers and encouragement and life stories of those who love me, for me to realize that it wasn’t the beginning of the end, but the end of the beginning.

As I mentioned, trusting in God is a critical and essential part of all of our lives. If we don’t trust in God and His love, we are lost in the darkness with no hope of light to guide us. We all have plans and hopes for our future. But why? We should live in the here, the now, and not be preoccupied with the future. We need to leave that up to God. Plans will get us nowhere. Life can change in the mere blink of an eye. Our own lives, in the grand scheme of things, is but a breeze that ruffles the leaves of trees for a brief moment, and then the leaves return to their previous state, having not even paid heed to thAt wind.

With God, we are nothing. I am trusting, or at least trying to trust, God with my life. I don’t know what He wants me to do. I don’t know how I can best serve Him. I don’t know a thing about what my future contains. I do know, however, that I am going to a monastery to draw nearer to God and find a direction in my life; to find out what path God wants me to take.

I am going to the monastery St. John of San Francisco in Manton, California. I leave tonight to the Nashville, TN airport and am flying to Sacramento, CA. This is my first time on a plane. This is the farthest from home I have ever been. This is the longest period of time that I have spent away from home. Even for these 5 weeks at the monastery, I will die to myself, die to the world, and live for God. Monasteries are both a spiritual oasis and the most intense battleground that ever existed between us and all in the Church and the demons. I am sure I will experience both.

Please pray for me, that God gives me direction, and that His will be done. I am praying for everyone as well.

This is the most exciting, busy, confusing time in my life. It is hard not being able to look ahead at the road and know where it turns and twists. But God is the best vehicle ever. I am safe when I am in Him.

Trust in God and glorify Him forever and ever! Amen.



1. Maureen - June 17, 2009

God be with you!

2. Giantsbran1227 - June 18, 2009

I pray for you and your journey with Christ!

3. nestoj - June 21, 2009

Lord, look upon our brother and uphold him. Lord, have mercy on us all.

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