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Fight or Flight September 13, 2008

Posted by Justin Farr in Ramblings.
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***This was during a period where I fell from God. Keep this in mind, even though this is a real instinct. :P***

I’ve experienced a very powerful instinct.

I was sitting lazily at my computer earlier tonight, minding my own business, when Daria, my three year old sister, lets out a scream. She’s a bit ghetto (we are trying to adopt), so I figured she had done something that needed a spanking. I come out of my room with nonchalance to see what had happened. But then… that’s no “I’m crying because I was spanked” scream. I enter panic mode and my heart beats faster as my feet carry my to the living room with haste.

Mom had Daria pinned down on the couch and David was hovering over her. My eyes go wide as mom barks out orders for me to retrieve cu-tips and a tissue. I run to the bathroom like I have never had any greater mission in my life. I hand her the supplied, see david with tweezers up Daria’s nose. I stand there twitching, not knowing how I can help, Daria screaming and crying. Then David pulls a huge wad of paper out of her nose. Apparently, she had stuck it up there.

With the crisis solve, I noticably relaxed, though my heart raced 5 minutes longer.

Never before have I experience such panic and desperation.

I had one goal: Help her, save her. Slaughter anyone who gets in my way.

I’ve never been so determined and goal oriented in my life. So this is what love does.

Interesting experience tonight, indeed.

Newfound Life September 12, 2008

Posted by Justin Farr in The Journey.
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***This was during a period where I fell long and hard from Christ. Keep this in mind. Long and hard, indeed. God help me.***

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.” — Ashley Smith

Things have been a rollercoaster.

I was received as a catechumen almost two weeks ago. Now I wish that I would have written a blog about it, captured those intense feelings and afterthoughts. Instead, they have escaped and fluttered off, now beyond my reach, never to be set to words.

Today, however, I have discovered freedom. I am the deer galloping across the meadow of wildflowers, the eagle soaring over the snow-capped mountains, the dolphin in a sea stretched out to an endless horizon. I have found love. I am the hatchling cradled under a warm and caring wing, the cub protectively eyed, the child held dearly at his mother’s breast. I have discovered joy. I am the dog embraced in reunification with its owner, the father cooing and cradling his newly born child, the dry elephant at sight of glistening waters.

Today, I warmly greet the sun as he shines forth. I merrily welcome in the moon as she lightens the darkened lands. I hear the trees rustle, whispering words of joy and merriment and thanksgiving to yesterday’s rain. I feel the wind caress my cheek tenderly and ruffle my hair as a loving and playful mother. I hear the nearby creek call to me, urging me to drink from its happiness without abandon. I feel energy radiate from everything around me.

Today, I have seen goodness.

Today, I wore a skirt.

I have tasted freedom. I have tasted love. I have tasted joy. I have tasted the beauty of all the world.

It started with a whim, a brief realization of everything I craved. My friend brought a selection, the only fitting one being a long, black, peasant skirt that was somewhat lacy and a touch frilly. But it was long. It was black. It was a skirt.

For many months, a year or more, I have been clouded in darkness, suppressed by everything I was told that I had to be and yet could never be. I was drowning in my unhappiness, near the point of giving up and letting the dark waters drag me into their cold and unforgiving depths.

Doubt had clouded my mind. This light that I had caught glimpses of from behind the clouds… was this really a false light, like I had been told? Was the darkness that I was surrounded with really the light of Christ? Why stay with something that causes me such unhappiness, sorrow, despair, anger, bitterness?

Today, the veil has been lifted. Mine eyes have seen the light.

I was warned.

You’re a heathen liberal. You’re what’s making this world fall apart. You are what will cause your brother to stumble. You will cause scandal. You will get beaten up. You will fall into delusion. Don’t do this to yourself.

I did this to myself.

It was amazing.

My day in a skirt began with sweat beadlets conspiring against me on my own forehead. My muscles felt weak. My lungs kicked into overdrive.

Breathe.

In, out. In, out. Slower.

In, out.

I wiped the sweat away, calmed my nerves, and proceeded forward.

The world did not end. I did not cause anyone to stumble spiritually. I did not cause scandal. I did not get beaten up. I did not fall into delusion.

I only had three comments made out loud to me today. Two of the comments were guys, who told me mockingly that they liked the skirt. The other was of a girl and a few of her friends who said loudly, “Wow! You are SO gay!” That was it. Nothing obscenely rude. No fists planting firmly against my face. The only other things I received were a few double takes and short stares. Emphasis on “a few.”

I had a hypothesis based on what I was told. It was proved wrong.

No one seemed to care, really. It wasn’t a big deal.

Truly, the bonds have been loosened. Never have I been this happy in over a year. This freedom, love, joy – it’s all exilerating, liberating, amazing.

I have found life again.

As I took the skirt off to change into shorts before coming home, a great sadness overtook me. It was as if the skirt was the very embodiment of my freedom, my love, my happiness. And I was taking it all off.

I realized, however, that this was not the case. I am not going to go forever back to my sorrows and bitterness. I am not going to let today be a mere outing, a once in a lifetime opportunity where I have everything I want, and then go home knowing that I will never have it again. I will not let this be temporary. Ephemeral. I have been filled with freedom and love an joy. I am truly happy. Life has entered me. I will not shove these things out of my heart again. I will keep them there forever, clutching them tightly as if they sustained my life. And they do.

Right now the darkness is at bay. But it’s there. Waiting on the sidelines. Waiting to come and devour me alive. The doubt is creeping into my mind. “Your joy, your freedom, your newfound love – these are all delusions. Christ is Truth. Cast aside your delusions and be truly happy with Christ.” The doubt is there. But I am keeping it at bay until it vanishes forever. I cannot, will not, abandon this. I have discovered myself.

I will dearly clutch my freedom, my joy, my love.

I’m never letting go.